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So, home sweet home.

Having to adjust to many things since returning from the Eurovision semi-finals.

Not having a police escort everywhere for a start. Have stuck one of the kid’s toy police cars on my dash but it’s just not the same.

It’s some compensation though that for the first day there’s that “driving is a novelty” thing you always get when you’ve been away. Unless of course you can’t drive, in which case driving is always a novelty.

I’m no longer living in fear of dill.

Or my life. The coach driver taking us back and forth to the stadium in Baku loved to accelerate down a steep slope towards the Caspian Sea before turning at the last moment. Usually whilst gassing on the phone. On the upside, I lost 4lbs through back sweat over the course of the week.

I’ve stopped hiding things in my shoes. Except my feet.

The journey home on Friday morning was interesting. We’d stayed up all night as we basically had to set off for the airport at 6am, and didn’t get back from the stadium til 3am.

The airport was the size of a Tesco metro. There were four of us travelling and only 25% of the group weren’t drunk (me).

75% of the group had sampled 82% of the cocktails on the menu at the bar after Thursday night’s semi-finals. The other 25% had gone to have a shower, eat their last pot of instant noodles and “listen again” on-line to the Jeremy Vine show about Azerbaijan.  Yes, 100% tragic, I know.

Before boarding we noticed some of the passengers were asked to stand on what looked like a step-machine from the gym but was actually a set of scales. Attached to it was a red, amber and green light. Some passengers were asked to stand on it. We only saw the light turn green and the passenger waved through. What happens if it turns amber? Does that mean you’re a bit podgy but are allowed to fly on the condition you promise to skip the on-board meal?

Dread to think what happens if it turns red! Does a siren sound and Rosemary Collins comes charging out and drags your chunky ass to a back room, where you stay ‘til you’ve dropped a few pounds?

May I suggest a spin round the block with the UK delegation coach driver to lose those vital inches?